my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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