i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
