This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
