So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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