I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
