I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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