I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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