It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
