If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
40s are totally the cure
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
