There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
