Sponge bath it is.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
