Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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