Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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