I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Randomize
