Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
