We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
