Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
