i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
dude i'm inner monologue high
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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