If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I think my fart just growled at me.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Randomize
