I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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