Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
