id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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