I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
