There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
