dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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