The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
