oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
