I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
