well I can't set my house on fire every night
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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