i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
