Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
this beer tastes like vomit already
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
