Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just found a bag of teeth...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
