How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
