This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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