I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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