there's paper in my vomit.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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