He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
