I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
