Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
