He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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