I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
