I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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