you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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