i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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