Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
