you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
