Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
