you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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