she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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