you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
