It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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