Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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