i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
