Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
